Not much of a happy turkey day, i guess! =/

Sometimes things is how you imagine it would be in one minutes, but in a flash of a blinking eye things changed rapily right before you know it. For example: Just like right now. As I last posted till now things didn't change much, just the same. It isn't easy. I just want someone on my side supporting me what I'm thinking is right or wrong. I'm so scare right now and I have no clue where to go from here. It isn't easy to be a teen mom when later on will be super busy don't have time for myself but take care of everything.

All I want right now a little respect and attention. Also, a good name to name the baby boy I'm having. Did I have this son is wrong? Nope, it isn't what mommie supposed to say. I have this kid cause the person I want to be with and loved wanted me to keep it and I wanted a family of my our instead of my own family. But what's the difference, it is the same. Not like anything going change from here. I thought it did. Has maplestory gone crazy out of his mind? I been having this upset hurting feeling that is very depressing inside for a long time and it leave my heart with pain even the baby can feel it, Can he? I guess not. There is no one in the world to talk to so lonely and cold just like the weather we having for the upcoming winter next month. How am I going to manage when I don't give have a support from my husband. Just ask him for help on a baby name and he said " You think of one and pick one". That really hurts and show lack of respect. How can I think of a good name without him on my side picking for our son. Baby, when your born I want you to know mommie took a lot of guts through 9 months having you and will show you that the world is cold but I will always be here for you no matter what happen, not like daddy would be, but I would.

I haven't had a good sleep in such a long time because I'm scare of going to labor and I'm scare he will be the same as you will be born soon . This feeling is haunting and hurting me night after night that show me how strong I am that later I will work hard to show you son that if you can't have everything mommie going to give you and I wish push my limit to giving the support to give you. That's what mommie for. Not like my mother, only do things she feel like but never a good mother. I don't want to be like my mother is why I'm different from my family. I learn to be independently when I started to realize the world at my eyes at age 11 years old. Sometimes it suck to be above the others. So little things left till my baby son is born and I don't have a good name for you. Isn't it disappointing son to see your mother didn't give you a name from the help of both parents? Sigh, I'm sorry son that I won't be able to give you everything a kid show have later on in your future. Is why I have my last chance in high school again to fix my classes and my grades. I have the last chance to bring my average up. I want to try out for the postal office job since it require no college degree to earn a little for you and the family. It doesn't matter what people say no more about me being teen mother, so tired of it. I just be on my own from now on, support or without support from my husband. Thought marriage and having a baby changed him but it didn't.
Now I know what to do, even it hurts me and kill me but I will force on my lack of education I need to fix up and boost up my gpa as much as I can do. Even, if I need help I don't think I'll get much. Watch mommie tried her best just for you and no one else. Sigh... I just don't know right now so mess up. I have to study so hard for two science regents and my classes and taking care of you and I just have so much coming at me later on. It is going to kill me, but I'm 18 and I'm named Shammy, if I can't do that how can I survived at life. Just don't want you baby, to look down at mommie as a drop out, or a failure in life or useless mother. I will have to learn how to cook myself so later on cook for the family and later have good meal for you to eat when your older than 1 years old. Mommie wants to guide you throw college to see you make it in life rather see me horribly suffering in pain right now and I'm sorry that you have to go all through the same during you inside me. It is hard not to show the feeling, but your inside you understand mommie more than anyone. Got no one on my side, guess I am really on my own this time. Hard not to show tears and hurt. I am very tired and trying to sleep all the time but can't scare you would come out any minutues and thinking of the future I will have later on. Too scare in life, how can I be this way? I have to be strong and confidence as I go on, with or without help. I love you baby son and I hope when your born you will be smarter than mommie and learn in life that you have to count on yourself no matter what, even if your love ones will not support you, you can always run back to mommie because I will be always here for you. I will to be full of tears right now thinking and typing this along as I go before I will not show any mercy of any surrow pain I am having. Giving birth a good thing or not? Sorry mommie say wrong thing. Just very unhappy and wish your daddie can notice and stop being maplestory freak and help me think of a name for you. I guess he won't as I am lonely in broa. Transfering that world because your daddie in there and I given up on scania but my family is there and only one to communicate with my siblings and my little brother. Hope he won't forget this big sister he has. Even transfering to broa , lonely as ever and all he do is guildie friends, which is not real. Wake up and your wife is real and she is going in labor, if you keep doing like this, you will lose her later on. Sigh... I will earn money later on when I work and find someone to take care of you part time then mommie and you later on in the world will be the same as any kind of family. Sigh.. I just hope things would be better when your born, if it repeatly the same, then mommie will give up hope and just force on education and career for you. See how much a child coming to the world change a person mind and more grow up. All he think, is I'm just a stupid 18 years old girl who doesn't know anything and always think im dumb just like everyone else I know think I am and even my family, that hurts a lot. Well I will show them how I can manage this ALL BY MYSELF WITHOUT ANYONE HELP. Short on money these days, saving half for surgery to want to impress him, guess now I don't need it anymore, guess saving the money for you baby when you grow older, I will have enough to support you and buy you things you need in life that is important.

For now, is poor and low on things, but I will work my way up. Don't you worry now. It feels better in the chest to write everything down and don't have to look for someone to understand what I am going through because they will never understand me because they don't think what I think and the advice isn't helpful or worth it.

~Shammy Zhen Fung ~

It's tough!

There are lot of things going through my mind and I don't know where to start first. It all seem new or is it all happening all over again...? Sometimes I wonder where I am place in this world. Have I been forgotten or not memorable to anyone? Has my feeling does hasn't shown well enough? What is it that bothers me? Well I know for sure, there is a lot that is bothering me.

Sometimes I think is the best way to write everything down more easier than talking it out with someone because only you know what your thinking inside your head, and to others they only know half what your thinking and giving their advice that isn't so helpful sometimes. It takes me a long time and a while to sleep and think things through, which I am not sure of.

Here is how things goes. Sometimes having making a wish for your birthday waiting an adult life to live independently like everyone else isn't the way I imagine things would be. Being a teenager mother, having a child, and a family. First of all, my family side isn't supportive to me, just throw me out and told me to be independently. How am I gonna do that without anyone supporting me by my side? My best friend is gone and she won't be here until a long while. What am I gonna do from here? Starting to live with his parents' sometimes arrogrative me, just because I married to him and love him, I'm going to give face, but not sure how long but won't be long.

Second thing, GOD I HAVE MARRIED A MONSTER! Things doesn't seem to be the same as before how we dated before getting married and all this stuff. I remember the first day I been with him and I won't forget it. Also, the valentine day that made me cried so much that it was memoriable even through today. Even, he is willing to stay outside the cold and wanted me to give him another chance. That day, it hurt me that I didn't give him a chance and he waited out the cold winter night. It was my fault, even I feel guilty. Is not I don't want to, is he can do better than that as I told him many time. He fought so much for the baby saying it is. Making me feel like " wow what a guy, I want that person in my life". But now WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED FROM THAT??!?!?!? Days has pass by and I sometimes don't feel like he remember he is the same person back then. He used to remind me back then where is the same shammy I used to know. That hit me in the head that I was doing something wrong and going back to my own self and recognize it. But will he realize or recognize or anything like that? Isn't that a long comeback for him? Well maybe is me and the pregnant talk or I just don't have a clue where everything is no more. I am so tired of getting yelled at the love ones. I am so tired that my father won't accept me as how I am today, that's why I'm scared to talk to him. There is no one to talk to about these things, which makes me so lonely. I must be crazy writing at this time and blogging this up online when I am half awake and very sleepy at the moment, but I can't go to sleep somehow. My heart feel so hurt and it is upsetting and angry at the same time. Sometimes I look at the wedding ring that he proposed to me. I remember that day and I will never forget it. It was shocking too. I remember he brought it a few days before he proposed to me because I felt something hard in his favorite winter black jacket. So, I reached my hand and grab it. I saw the box, I opened it, I was like first in my head " DAMN!! HE IS GOING PROPOSED TO ME!!" I went to my room, I cried, I was happy and shocked that there were a frog in my throat is like you can't imagine how the excitment that is. Then later on, he called from his working place and told me to come down at his place. That time I knew what will happen so, I lied and joked that I was busy and can't come down that it was too dark. Instead I knew what he was planning that just wanna him to come down and say it for himself. LOL IM EVIL! BUT ITS WORTH IT! HAR HAR HAR AND A HA HA HA TO YOU! ^-^!! When he came down, he has in his hand with 1 dozen roses in his hand and other he lay out a proposing box which proposing to me of coz ! LOL ! He was so embarassed and cute at the same time, his words was so mess up and I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. I remember he kept saying" UMM UMM UMMM". Lower and lower his voice went. Awww, I accept the roses and I said Ill think about it. Stupid me saying I will thinking about me. Why can't I say yes!! I remember why. Because I didn't want get hurt and I don't how things will be! Sighh.... it all seems like it happen yesterday I remember. But, now I let him play maplestory. He might forgot he married me. It used to be every morning he would make me something to eat. Now he won't even wake me up and tell me to eat something or make me something. When I wake up now, he wont say nothing. He won't say anything romantic anymore. Just these days, if he is hunting dark tokens for the events, if I bother him which is think then he would yell at me " Don't bother me or distract me". Which hurts me a lot and I cried because its selfish that you care more of your game than me as your wife. Just like last night asking him to pour me something to drink because I have pain in the you know where spot and I couldn't move much and he poured for me and yelled at me " why can't you do it yourself?". Wow that kind of attitude I have gonna it for days from it. I don't know if I can handle another one. I cried next to him but he didnt notice. When he fallen asleep, he didn't say nothing or goodnight to me or anything. I cried all day. I was like " wow is this wife forgotten or never there ?" As I'm writing this a lot going through my head and it hurts. He will never know.... and I won't say anything. All I have to write this morning. I think I'm going fall asleep in this laptop to rest my eyes a bit. Sigh......

Shammy Zhen Fung

Yesterday wasn’t the best experience in my life. A lot had happen so much in one day before. Sometimes I wonder where it comes from and where it started all of sudden. Sometimes things are unexplainable. Maybe that how things are meant to be in life or am I just mumbling to myself as usual? Sometimes I really wonder myself.

I went to Vivian and Budhi’s wedding yesterday. I was so jealous for them that they can get married to the person they would spend eternal with. I just look at myself at what I got. I’m just another no body that no one wants and care. I want to be love and care for like them in the wedding.

I see them take wedding photos; I never had the chance to do that. I never even tried on any wedding dress. Just another pregnant woman fantasy to try it on one day, but I’ll never get the chance to I guess or maybe one day. I just don’t know for now. I see the wedding photos so romantic and sweet I wish I was like that married to the person I love and then take it with him, but no that won’t happen in a million years of my life time. Some things you just wish for in life that you will never get. You can feel it with your heart but you can’t have it because God play a role in people’s life to earn and reach for something we deserve if it is only meant to be or not. That’s just life. I had when things are life that. What am I to judge something like that?

I see many children in East Broadway, which at least has a parent to take care of them and be with them to walk them through the road. But look at me what do I have that can compare to something like that? I want to make my own family and support the child I have right now inside my stomach. I want to watch it grow up. I want to change it diaper when it needs to be change. I want to help it take bath when it is small to at the age they can by themselves. I want to be there when it needs me, no matter what the situation is because I had been struggling hard to keep this baby that no one want me to keep, but I still keep it anyways. I had been taking care and I was so happy to see the baby in the seismogram and see it moving and everything. That make me want to keep it and from that moment I hadn’t be happier than ever. Who doesn’t want to see their kids grow up and guide it way through?

Life As Growing Up~~

Sometimes life isn't always what you dream of when you open your eyes. One minutes you live your life so happy inside your mother stomach then next minutes your born into a world that you thought would fit you perfect. You always think your family always be the one you count on and your friends always be there with you. Sometimes when you grow you, you wish you didn't.

It is hard enough to learn and experiences things on your own that you realize with your own eyes that your trip in the world you can't believe that you live in. There are many things in life, I think I wish I wasn't born in the time to see it. I never had a dad to love me as a daughter. Always think taking out his anger on me will work every time when he get piss when he comes home. Am I always the person that everyone can scold on? Does anyone see I have feeling to like a human being ? I guess people don't!

What I wish in life, to become someone successful. I never did. Just another failure. Just like waking up to a shattered into pieces just like there are a billion pieces of stars in the galaxy.

Wanted to become something in life to help the societies, but what can I do now? I can't finish high school until next year, 2Nd semester coming back to finish my super senior year. I can't graduate like everyone else in this June and can't take the regents. Sometimes I feel so useless that last year I had my chance to fix my grades but this year I mess up so horribly. What kind of person I am? I am in my 4 months and a few days. I'm still thinking for a name for the baby before it comes out. What the use? A mother can't support its baby.

Everyone always yelling me this and that. What can I do? I just take what everyone said to me and keep it. I just look down on myself. Maybe what everyone said is right and I am wrong. So much negative things going through my head. Being having extremely dizziness headaches for days and sick for days. When will it all end? When will my life be back to normal? I don't want to someone to yell at everyday. I just want to live my life as I dreamed of. But I guess I never have that. It is like a lightening bug trapped in a jar with a few air holes to breath in and later vanish without a few minutes. What is irony that is how I live my life everyday. It doesn't matter or it does? I just don't know what to do and think sometimes.

Shammy Zhen Fung