Crying in this unheard voice in 2:59am est!

Sometimes this world can be very cruel with everything that can falls apart. I can't believe my own sister embarassed me at dinner on Tuesday. I won't believe what came out of her mouth. I know she is not happy with her life, why my sister say something and my other two sisters followed her. Why my life so horrible? In addition, my own husband maplestory addiction freak, henesy hoe. I can't believe it, myself. What if I need him in life, will he keep saying " Do not disturb I am going play my maplestory dont bother me." Will that statement appear in every answers from my questions everytime? I don't want someone like that in my life. I am thinking about my future for my son and me from now on. Flirty with maplestory people, that isnt once since 2 years ago. It been like this. I feel down about this. I cant even talk to him about it, or he will blame me. All I can do is cry like other woman or little girls does. This is not childish. This is waking up, knowing that the love ones in my life never take me seriously. Always think what they say in their mind, and comes out the other way. Do they know they are hurting me? Today, I realize all my sister need me to use my money to buy foods and stuff they need, do they know money is very important and hard to get these days. My sisters doesnt know that. All my husband care about is maplestory at this point. I bet his brain is dead by now. Sometimes I just want a normal sit down talk with him I cant. He is my own husband and I cant talk to him about anything. It is sad. Which brings me to depression at this point. Will I live my life this way on in the future? My family isnt where I need them to be and my husband will maplestory away? He doesnt care about the career I am going for. Everyone looks down on me like I cant do anything better about him. I wish he can stop maplestorying and realize what he is doing to the family or he will learn it the hard way, waking up without one in the morning. I can last being alone. I guess this is call " GROWING UP", that I have to be on my own to survive, no matter how hard or what comes along the way. I cant focus him to do anything anymore. I am being a mother to my son, I hope when I graduate I want to take my son and me to a better place to live in when I have enough money, with him or not. He will not understand, he will only care about his henesy hoe maplestory flirting and training his stupid characters. He think I dont know that. God! I am not born yesterday. I dont know. I guess from this point, I have to earn what I have in life and take it step by step from there, with or without support.

IDk...

This new year is always like the rest. It never changed... I will not forgive him for what he said to me... I guess everything I do to struggle this day forward doesn't mean anything to him... He will always think Im that kind of person!! If im that kind of person I wuldnt be here and I wuldnt have kenny ~ and i wuldnt be working my butt off to get an A in the class... So much to worries about and everyone always gonna say shyt about me in my life.. I just wanna everyone to shut the hell up... Im tired of everyone say im no good this or that or w/e shyt they always say about me... this is why Im always down and think im useless that i culdnt do better... I tried very very hard... im just tired of how everyone think of me... is y i worked so hard to get to today... i guess i shuldnt finish off his present for his bday then...he will never understand how much i love him or how i felt about him... he wont understand that for his age...

Disappointing New Year Again

Why every year I always have a bad new year start? I wanted something surprisingly and happly on that day. But this year is just the same depressing year coming to the 6 years I have been having for a long time. I am not going forgive him the new morning for ruining my new year. It is always about a guy on a new year start that make everything worst, but coming for my husband. I'm just asking one thing, he said he is too busy for. Gosh, what is up with that. Sigh, I'm tired and very disappointed right now I can't even say anything anymore or sleep. Sighss.

Facing The Reality

Wow, its been a long time I ever updated a blog, never tho I will again since last time. I think things thru and I'm done with this. It was wrong with me to fall in love with him in the first place last year, got pregnant, wanting to keep the baby badly, and marrying him. Worst part all of this, he think I'm an outsider and never let me in his heart. You know what, you should be happy because of today, I will never again be the same and 2013 I'm ready. I will not risk no more love for that person, he hurted me so much that I couldn't imagine. I will all I could. I'm stupid enough to give my education, my career and my future on hold just to have his baby and be with him. I let down everything I loved and my goals for the future. My dreams disappear and just to be with him. All he do is yell at me, and all I can do is take it from him. But what if that is all I can that? I will never be good enough. I always feel myself I was nothing. Now I felt I was wrong , is my love for him grew more painful and hurt everyday, and all he can do is yell at me. What more do you want from me? I'm trying my best and he doesn't treat me like a wife but an outsider that hurt the most. I guess this is it. This is my final answer, you got what you want. Even it hurts to do this and let it all go and go my own way and he goes his own way. This has to be done. Any more further it will get worst. I guess I have to ignore him till 2013. I guess it is for the best. I will never risk for relationship or love again. He always think im flirting this shyt and that, which is not. I guess he wont understand why I work so hard, what I pushed myself to the limit that I couldn't take it anymore and I still keep going on and on. Well, I should say goodbye when I get the chance on 2013.

Confused

I have no clue what to do or go from here. I don't know anything worth it or not. I been married almost 1yr and this summer is our anniversary, but why don't I get this happy feeling. I just don't feel very happy. I thought he would change by now, but I guess wrong. I will wait till after June to see what happen, if it is like the same as usual his attitude by March after my birthday or random date, me and Kenny will move out. I don't want to risk on love again. Everytime this happen to me. I thought things will be different this time, that I have a husband. But, what do I get? Everyday yelling at me. I can't even talk face to face without feeling scare and unhappy feeling, just make me don't want to talk anymore. I been feeling so done lately, that's why I keep on shopping till I drop ( no money left). I been saving the money for his wedding ring, but my unhappy feeling making me want to spend all the money. Why would I buy him a ring now when he can't appreciate me, is it because when I am gone, he knows I'm good to him? I don't want to give him up but, if he is always like this, I have no choice. I married him because I thought if no matter what I tell him he would understand me, no matter it is right or wrong, he would support me, if I'm wrong, he would tell me how to correct it. Instead he just yells at me. Like right now, I just tell him to translate my spanish project to spanish because I don't write and read in spanish so I can't and don't know how to translate it, if I do then I don't even need him to translate for me, I can do it myself. I hate risking on love everytime on him and no matter what I got in return is the same, yelling, more arguing. I'm trying to teach him how to grow up and be mature, but he never gets it and keep yelling at me. What's good does that cost? It just make me lose the love for him little by little in my heart. It just hurt me that he don't see it that everytime he does that, I lose a bit of everything I'm risking for and you know what at the end it doesn't worth it. What's good to be a married woman and a mother when the husband all can do is yell at you and never try to understand you when she talks to you and even if she is unhappy can always cheer her up but instead curse me to death and make me more hurt instead. I have a big wound of scars inside of me that hurts. I don't know how long my heart will take. I will do whatever I can and if by June it is still the same then next year I know what to do. I will give up and move on. It is not that I'm scare to be alone, is it that even I tried so hard to convince him to stop behaving like this, he will never listen and never understand the outcome will be. Then, I guess he won't even care if I moved out one day and packed all my stuff and kenny and me are gone. He won't notice is my stuff isn't here. He won't notice his son gone. He won't notice I'm gone. He won't even notice a thing. I guess he won't care. You know it isn't hard to be a mother, part time schooling, and taking care of kenny, but worries about the future that lies ahead of me later on. I am worries. I am worries that it is all for nothing. My tears isn't worth it for him because everytime no matter it is him or who it is worth, they won't appreciate me until it is too late or don't even care I exist or notice at all. Maybe I'm better off alone and taking care of my son. What's the point of getting married when your husband don't get along with you and always hurt you no matter what you do is right or wrong and never even listen and argue its way out of it. Do you know that will make it worst? Do you know everything is gone? Do you care? Do you understand? DO YOU STILL CARE?

I miss the old him. I miss the way he hugs me when I cried and tells me everything is alright. I miss him saying to me that I'm beautiful and pretty the way I am and all it matters is my heart not the outside. I miss the way, he always put me first no matter what it is that is infront of him. I miss the way, he was so romantic and everytime always surprise me and make me cry because I am so happy and lucky to have him. I miss the way, when we argue, he always buys me one thing at the end of the day and make me happy when I look at it. I miss the way, he used to be. Is this all in the past? Is it going to end soon? Will I never see the old him again ? SIGHH... I just want to yell at him and tell him," I miss the old you, I don't like the way you changed into someone else and always argue against me when I want to say something or talk to you, I hate the way, you always think your right and argue with me about me, you don't see me saying your wrong and arguing against you, because I know it will hurt the love inside us, but he won't understand that part. WHEN WILL YOU EVER GROW UP AND UNDERSTAND WHAT'S REALLY INFRONT OF YOU BEEN THERE WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME, WHY CANT YOU LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND THAT, WHY YOU PROMISE ME YOU WONT HURT ME WHEN YOU ALREADY DID EVERYDAY, WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT CAN MAKE ME LOSE THE LOVE FOR YOU, WHY DONT YOU SEE WHAT YOUR BECOMING BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE AND THERE IS NO WAY GOING BACK AND IF IM GONE ONE DAY AND I WONT COME BACK NO MORE, WHY DONT YOU STOP AND LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND ME? WHY ? IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU GET? WHY? WHY CANT YOU BE THE SWEET OLD CESAR BACK THEN THE WAY I DATED YOU AND NOW YOU BECOME A MONSTER AND I BARELY WANT TO TALK TO YOU AND EVERYTIME IF I TALK TO YOU THINGS ALWAYS WORST AND IM SCARED THAT KENNY WONT HAVE A FATHER ONE DAY. PLEASE STOP CESAR AND UNDERSTAND THIS. EVERYTIME YOUR ANGRY OR PISS ABOUT SOMETHING, WHY YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME, I AM NOT A WIFE THAT YOU CAN YELL AT. IT IS NO USE TO REMIND HIM, HIS MIND ISNT THINKING THE SAME THING I AM NO MORE, I GUESS THIS WILL BE VERY OVER SOON. I GUESS I HAVE TO PACK EVERYTHING BEFORE DECEMBER SO NEXT YEAR WILL BE VERY EASY FOR ME AND KENNY STUFF TO MOVE OUT ALREADY WITHOUT BEING NOTICE. IF I MOVED, I WILL NEVER COME BACK AND I WONT TELL YOU WHERE I MOVED OR TO ANYONE. I WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND KENNY. I WILL PAY FOR MY OWN RENT, MY OWN PHONE BILL, MY OWN ELECTRICITY BILL, MY OWN HEAT BILL, I WILL HAVE TO COOK FOR KENNY EVERYTIME THAT I WILL LEARN BEFORE I MOVED OUT, AND I WILL LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT SOMEONE, IM TOO DEPENDENT ON YOU THAT I ALWAYS SCARED OF LOSING, I HAVE TO LEARN NOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU EVEN YOUR HERE. IT WILL HURT ME THAT I WILL HAVE TO SAY THIS BUT I WILL TRY TO DO MY BEST WITHOUT ANYONE AND KNOW THAT WHOEVER LOOK DOWN ON ME THAT I WILL MAKE IT. I JUST HATE THE FACT THAT WHY I HAVE TO TRY SO HARD TO CONVIENCE YOU EVERYTIME TO STOP AND YOU WONT. I HAVE TO SACARIFE YOU BECAUSE YOUR HURTING ME AND IT WONT END IN A GOOD WAY. THE BEST WAY IS ME AND KENNY MOVE OUT AND LIVE OUR LIVES WITHOUT YOU HUN. SIGHH... YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND DONT YOU. IF YOU LOSE ME ONE DAY, IT IS TOO LATE TO UNDERSTAND ME." This is what I want to say to him but he wouldn't listen, he ignore it everytime like it is a joke, it is not funny and it is not a joke. I meant what I say. I am a serious person. Do you remember what you agree on last year. I said if one day you hurt me the most I will live you and anyone feel hurt they will leave, they dont want to be with someone that they love and keep hurting them little by little everyday. You agreed one that and you promised me you wont hurt me, but you always did, you not hurting me, your hurting our love and our family and will what will happen later on. Our family will separate and falling apart and everything isnt going the way it is supposed to happen. I tried many times to fix things and you always make it worst. Why you always make it worst for us? WHY ? WHY ? WHY? All I really want from you, is understand what you become, appreciate and love me more, tried to support me when I am either right or wrong, if I'm wrong, then tell me how to fix it, don't curse me till it really hurt that I don't want to be a person or live anymore. Last but no least try to take care of kenny more when I have school and homework. I have no time for homework, concentrating on studying for exams or quiz and I didn't even start to study for my regents in June. I don't have time for anything and I don't know if I am going to graduate if you dont help me take care of kenny. Why do you have to be so stubborn and selfish all the time, why dont you understand how hard things it is for us? I guess there isnt any point. I shouldnt have ever dated you and I shouldnt have every had your son ( sorry kenny mommie dont mean to hurt you), and I shouldnt never get married that I knew you will be the same always thinking for himself. sighh... guess later I will say goodbye even I don't want to. I don't want to be hurt from you and I don't want a husband who doesn't want to try to change and be more lovingly to his wife and son. I just don't know what I can do. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate on school. I can't even take care of Kenny. Because of my depression that I am really hurt that you wont understand, I can't even do anything but feeling down and looking out the window and the days passing by infront of me when I do nothing but sleep and the painful & hurt inside my heart. Why cant we be a good family ? I am protecting my family and let no one harm it but your destroying it and it hurts me that you'll never understand this. I always blog here everytime I am very hurt at that point I write it here so it make me feel better a bit.

Waking Up And Realize!

Now, that I know what I'm up against in life. It is really sad how I thought how it would be but it isn't. Things look worster than before. So much pressure inside me. I told myself Shammy don't give up, you can make it, everytime that hits me on the head, I always have to be so soft hearted. Now I see the world true cruelty color. What have I got myself in? Why life treats me this way? What I do wrong? I do so much harder this year for what? For a better living of course. I just want to finish my last year as senior so I can graduate in time and get a good grade that maybe one day I can go back to school and go to college with something I can achieved and be look up to. I work harder this year and keep pushing myself toward the limit is I see what is infront of me that isn't the way I am fighting for no more. I work hard because I want to support my family and one day find a good job so my husband doesn't have to work so hard. But he didn't see the point. The parents-in-law doesn't know how hard I have to go through everyday to be a teenager mother part time school and part time mother at home, and manage it in time to fit in my study and homework hours and do my laundry at the same time everyday, repeatingly. I am tired and I need a break but I told myself I can be stronger and manage it. I found out sometimes I don't know why I am married to him anymore. I tried so hard, all he does is yell at me constantly and repeatingly. I just can't stand it anymore. One day when that time is right I am going to leave. Even though he is my husband, going help him earn money now. I guess he doesn't know I truely loves him and no one else and I want best for him and the family. I guess one day will be to hard for him to appreciated and see that and it will be too late at that time.

Where do I go from here?

He changed a lot since we got married. He wasn't the person I met. I still remember how happy we were. I just don't know if I am happy the way things are now. I still remember how native I was who doesn't know the difference and move on that time. But, he was the one who inspire me to be a better person and that is why I got to where I am now here. Since a few days before we got married, my mom always nagged him about marriage, moving and finding a new place. Since from then, everything coming falling down to know. I still remember the days he chased me till he fully win my heart. Where does the love go from there? Every since then all he can do is yell at me, when I say something he ignored me or play maplestory and don't care about anything. He used to make me understand how he felt. When now I do the same, he doesn't listen or care about me at all. All he does he is yell or cursed me out. One after another I forgive and my heart get hurt so deeply and somehow I can't feel it. I haven't wanted to eat or sleep or do anything. Just let the days passed by and pretend nothing happen but still it is still there. I tried to be a good wife and a good mother at the same time. Sometimes I tried to manage to study. Everytime he said he tried to help me take care of our son, he always has something to do such as busy with maplestory or later or forgot about it. I told him many times how I felt. I just want him to take care of our son so I can study for the regents since I have 4 months left to finish high school. How come I can't have the energy to do that. I am not fully heal. Everytime I feel like fainting and blacking out. It been like that for like 2 weeks. He just ask me if I was okay and turn his back to maplestory. Does he care if anything happen to me? Before back then, he always worries about me, if anything happen to me, he won't forget himself for it. Now we are married, so much problems happen. Ever since me and him got married, since then, he doesn't care much of my feeling and just leave it to the side and forget about it. He will go to sleep and ignored it. When he feel down I would at least try to help even I can't. Shammy was stupid once again, always believed in love and romance last forever. Like me and him believe there is something called " forever" and " Love". Now to think of it, I don't believe it anymore. My heart got hurt too much to feel the love inside me. Why do I still care when he doesn't? Am I stupid or something? I'm an easy person to understand by the way, just want someone to love, care , and love his family then it is good enough for me. But, now I am on my own. Guess the saying" love conquer all" doesn't exist at all. I am so done caring. I used to love and admire the way he used to be, but now he is a different person I don't even understand and know anymore. Most of the time, I am afraid to talk to him or get near him. I'm so tired. From this day on, Shammy won't be soft hearted no more. I will not risk myself for love no more. I am so tired feeling hurt and getting myself into a mess that doesn't make sense. My heart is so confused and I don't know where to go from here. In this cold weather, sometimes I feel like walking in the cold and cry even it is cold. Sometimes when I walk alone in the street, my tears almost fallen out even I tried to put it back. Where do I go wrong? I tried everything and it is not worth it after all. I am so tired of getting hurt from the person I love that always hurt me. What I can do now is be a good mother and take care of my son and also my education. Other isn't important to me no more. I am so done with everything. I tried over and over many times, it isn't worth to keep trying no more. He won't remember my feeling exist anymore. The old him is gone for sure as I see it, I think I know what to do and go from here. I just won't have mood to study, sleep, eat, and anything. Shammy that everyone love is long gone. I just don't want anything no more. No love, no nothing no more, everything one once always hurt me, I just don't want to be hurt no more. It is no use of telling and repeating it over and over. So done. My son is the only thing I have left that made me stronger everytime and telling me what I need or what I don't need in life.