I have no clue what to do or go from here. I don't know anything worth it or not. I been married almost 1yr and this summer is our anniversary, but why don't I get this happy feeling. I just don't feel very happy. I thought he would change by now, but I guess wrong. I will wait till after June to see what happen, if it is like the same as usual his attitude by March after my birthday or random date, me and Kenny will move out. I don't want to risk on love again. Everytime this happen to me. I thought things will be different this time, that I have a husband. But, what do I get? Everyday yelling at me. I can't even talk face to face without feeling scare and unhappy feeling, just make me don't want to talk anymore. I been feeling so done lately, that's why I keep on shopping till I drop ( no money left). I been saving the money for his wedding ring, but my unhappy feeling making me want to spend all the money. Why would I buy him a ring now when he can't appreciate me, is it because when I am gone, he knows I'm good to him? I don't want to give him up but, if he is always like this, I have no choice. I married him because I thought if no matter what I tell him he would understand me, no matter it is right or wrong, he would support me, if I'm wrong, he would tell me how to correct it. Instead he just yells at me. Like right now, I just tell him to translate my spanish project to spanish because I don't write and read in spanish so I can't and don't know how to translate it, if I do then I don't even need him to translate for me, I can do it myself. I hate risking on love everytime on him and no matter what I got in return is the same, yelling, more arguing. I'm trying to teach him how to grow up and be mature, but he never gets it and keep yelling at me. What's good does that cost? It just make me lose the love for him little by little in my heart. It just hurt me that he don't see it that everytime he does that, I lose a bit of everything I'm risking for and you know what at the end it doesn't worth it. What's good to be a married woman and a mother when the husband all can do is yell at you and never try to understand you when she talks to you and even if she is unhappy can always cheer her up but instead curse me to death and make me more hurt instead. I have a big wound of scars inside of me that hurts. I don't know how long my heart will take. I will do whatever I can and if by June it is still the same then next year I know what to do. I will give up and move on. It is not that I'm scare to be alone, is it that even I tried so hard to convince him to stop behaving like this, he will never listen and never understand the outcome will be. Then, I guess he won't even care if I moved out one day and packed all my stuff and kenny and me are gone. He won't notice is my stuff isn't here. He won't notice his son gone. He won't notice I'm gone. He won't even notice a thing. I guess he won't care. You know it isn't hard to be a mother, part time schooling, and taking care of kenny, but worries about the future that lies ahead of me later on. I am worries. I am worries that it is all for nothing. My tears isn't worth it for him because everytime no matter it is him or who it is worth, they won't appreciate me until it is too late or don't even care I exist or notice at all. Maybe I'm better off alone and taking care of my son. What's the point of getting married when your husband don't get along with you and always hurt you no matter what you do is right or wrong and never even listen and argue its way out of it. Do you know that will make it worst? Do you know everything is gone? Do you care? Do you understand? DO YOU STILL CARE?
I miss the old him. I miss the way he hugs me when I cried and tells me everything is alright. I miss him saying to me that I'm beautiful and pretty the way I am and all it matters is my heart not the outside. I miss the way, he always put me first no matter what it is that is infront of him. I miss the way, he was so romantic and everytime always surprise me and make me cry because I am so happy and lucky to have him. I miss the way, when we argue, he always buys me one thing at the end of the day and make me happy when I look at it. I miss the way, he used to be. Is this all in the past? Is it going to end soon? Will I never see the old him again ? SIGHH... I just want to yell at him and tell him," I miss the old you, I don't like the way you changed into someone else and always argue against me when I want to say something or talk to you, I hate the way, you always think your right and argue with me about me, you don't see me saying your wrong and arguing against you, because I know it will hurt the love inside us, but he won't understand that part. WHEN WILL YOU EVER GROW UP AND UNDERSTAND WHAT'S REALLY INFRONT OF YOU BEEN THERE WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME, WHY CANT YOU LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND THAT, WHY YOU PROMISE ME YOU WONT HURT ME WHEN YOU ALREADY DID EVERYDAY, WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT CAN MAKE ME LOSE THE LOVE FOR YOU, WHY DONT YOU SEE WHAT YOUR BECOMING BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE AND THERE IS NO WAY GOING BACK AND IF IM GONE ONE DAY AND I WONT COME BACK NO MORE, WHY DONT YOU STOP AND LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND ME? WHY ? IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU GET? WHY? WHY CANT YOU BE THE SWEET OLD CESAR BACK THEN THE WAY I DATED YOU AND NOW YOU BECOME A MONSTER AND I BARELY WANT TO TALK TO YOU AND EVERYTIME IF I TALK TO YOU THINGS ALWAYS WORST AND IM SCARED THAT KENNY WONT HAVE A FATHER ONE DAY. PLEASE STOP CESAR AND UNDERSTAND THIS. EVERYTIME YOUR ANGRY OR PISS ABOUT SOMETHING, WHY YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME, I AM NOT A WIFE THAT YOU CAN YELL AT. IT IS NO USE TO REMIND HIM, HIS MIND ISNT THINKING THE SAME THING I AM NO MORE, I GUESS THIS WILL BE VERY OVER SOON. I GUESS I HAVE TO PACK EVERYTHING BEFORE DECEMBER SO NEXT YEAR WILL BE VERY EASY FOR ME AND KENNY STUFF TO MOVE OUT ALREADY WITHOUT BEING NOTICE. IF I MOVED, I WILL NEVER COME BACK AND I WONT TELL YOU WHERE I MOVED OR TO ANYONE. I WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND KENNY. I WILL PAY FOR MY OWN RENT, MY OWN PHONE BILL, MY OWN ELECTRICITY BILL, MY OWN HEAT BILL, I WILL HAVE TO COOK FOR KENNY EVERYTIME THAT I WILL LEARN BEFORE I MOVED OUT, AND I WILL LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT SOMEONE, IM TOO DEPENDENT ON YOU THAT I ALWAYS SCARED OF LOSING, I HAVE TO LEARN NOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU EVEN YOUR HERE. IT WILL HURT ME THAT I WILL HAVE TO SAY THIS BUT I WILL TRY TO DO MY BEST WITHOUT ANYONE AND KNOW THAT WHOEVER LOOK DOWN ON ME THAT I WILL MAKE IT. I JUST HATE THE FACT THAT WHY I HAVE TO TRY SO HARD TO CONVIENCE YOU EVERYTIME TO STOP AND YOU WONT. I HAVE TO SACARIFE YOU BECAUSE YOUR HURTING ME AND IT WONT END IN A GOOD WAY. THE BEST WAY IS ME AND KENNY MOVE OUT AND LIVE OUR LIVES WITHOUT YOU HUN. SIGHH... YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND DONT YOU. IF YOU LOSE ME ONE DAY, IT IS TOO LATE TO UNDERSTAND ME." This is what I want to say to him but he wouldn't listen, he ignore it everytime like it is a joke, it is not funny and it is not a joke. I meant what I say. I am a serious person. Do you remember what you agree on last year. I said if one day you hurt me the most I will live you and anyone feel hurt they will leave, they dont want to be with someone that they love and keep hurting them little by little everyday. You agreed one that and you promised me you wont hurt me, but you always did, you not hurting me, your hurting our love and our family and will what will happen later on. Our family will separate and falling apart and everything isnt going the way it is supposed to happen. I tried many times to fix things and you always make it worst. Why you always make it worst for us? WHY ? WHY ? WHY? All I really want from you, is understand what you become, appreciate and love me more, tried to support me when I am either right or wrong, if I'm wrong, then tell me how to fix it, don't curse me till it really hurt that I don't want to be a person or live anymore. Last but no least try to take care of kenny more when I have school and homework. I have no time for homework, concentrating on studying for exams or quiz and I didn't even start to study for my regents in June. I don't have time for anything and I don't know if I am going to graduate if you dont help me take care of kenny. Why do you have to be so stubborn and selfish all the time, why dont you understand how hard things it is for us? I guess there isnt any point. I shouldnt have ever dated you and I shouldnt have every had your son ( sorry kenny mommie dont mean to hurt you), and I shouldnt never get married that I knew you will be the same always thinking for himself. sighh... guess later I will say goodbye even I don't want to. I don't want to be hurt from you and I don't want a husband who doesn't want to try to change and be more lovingly to his wife and son. I just don't know what I can do. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate on school. I can't even take care of Kenny. Because of my depression that I am really hurt that you wont understand, I can't even do anything but feeling down and looking out the window and the days passing by infront of me when I do nothing but sleep and the painful & hurt inside my heart. Why cant we be a good family ? I am protecting my family and let no one harm it but your destroying it and it hurts me that you'll never understand this. I always blog here everytime I am very hurt at that point I write it here so it make me feel better a bit.
