Yesterday wasn’t the best experience in my life. A lot had happen so much in one day before. Sometimes I wonder where it comes from and where it started all of sudden. Sometimes things are unexplainable. Maybe that how things are meant to be in life or am I just mumbling to myself as usual? Sometimes I really wonder myself.

I went to Vivian and Budhi’s wedding yesterday. I was so jealous for them that they can get married to the person they would spend eternal with. I just look at myself at what I got. I’m just another no body that no one wants and care. I want to be love and care for like them in the wedding.

I see them take wedding photos; I never had the chance to do that. I never even tried on any wedding dress. Just another pregnant woman fantasy to try it on one day, but I’ll never get the chance to I guess or maybe one day. I just don’t know for now. I see the wedding photos so romantic and sweet I wish I was like that married to the person I love and then take it with him, but no that won’t happen in a million years of my life time. Some things you just wish for in life that you will never get. You can feel it with your heart but you can’t have it because God play a role in people’s life to earn and reach for something we deserve if it is only meant to be or not. That’s just life. I had when things are life that. What am I to judge something like that?

I see many children in East Broadway, which at least has a parent to take care of them and be with them to walk them through the road. But look at me what do I have that can compare to something like that? I want to make my own family and support the child I have right now inside my stomach. I want to watch it grow up. I want to change it diaper when it needs to be change. I want to help it take bath when it is small to at the age they can by themselves. I want to be there when it needs me, no matter what the situation is because I had been struggling hard to keep this baby that no one want me to keep, but I still keep it anyways. I had been taking care and I was so happy to see the baby in the seismogram and see it moving and everything. That make me want to keep it and from that moment I hadn’t be happier than ever. Who doesn’t want to see their kids grow up and guide it way through?

Life As Growing Up~~

Sometimes life isn't always what you dream of when you open your eyes. One minutes you live your life so happy inside your mother stomach then next minutes your born into a world that you thought would fit you perfect. You always think your family always be the one you count on and your friends always be there with you. Sometimes when you grow you, you wish you didn't.

It is hard enough to learn and experiences things on your own that you realize with your own eyes that your trip in the world you can't believe that you live in. There are many things in life, I think I wish I wasn't born in the time to see it. I never had a dad to love me as a daughter. Always think taking out his anger on me will work every time when he get piss when he comes home. Am I always the person that everyone can scold on? Does anyone see I have feeling to like a human being ? I guess people don't!

What I wish in life, to become someone successful. I never did. Just another failure. Just like waking up to a shattered into pieces just like there are a billion pieces of stars in the galaxy.

Wanted to become something in life to help the societies, but what can I do now? I can't finish high school until next year, 2Nd semester coming back to finish my super senior year. I can't graduate like everyone else in this June and can't take the regents. Sometimes I feel so useless that last year I had my chance to fix my grades but this year I mess up so horribly. What kind of person I am? I am in my 4 months and a few days. I'm still thinking for a name for the baby before it comes out. What the use? A mother can't support its baby.

Everyone always yelling me this and that. What can I do? I just take what everyone said to me and keep it. I just look down on myself. Maybe what everyone said is right and I am wrong. So much negative things going through my head. Being having extremely dizziness headaches for days and sick for days. When will it all end? When will my life be back to normal? I don't want to someone to yell at everyday. I just want to live my life as I dreamed of. But I guess I never have that. It is like a lightening bug trapped in a jar with a few air holes to breath in and later vanish without a few minutes. What is irony that is how I live my life everyday. It doesn't matter or it does? I just don't know what to do and think sometimes.

Shammy Zhen Fung