It's tough!

There are lot of things going through my mind and I don't know where to start first. It all seem new or is it all happening all over again...? Sometimes I wonder where I am place in this world. Have I been forgotten or not memorable to anyone? Has my feeling does hasn't shown well enough? What is it that bothers me? Well I know for sure, there is a lot that is bothering me.

Sometimes I think is the best way to write everything down more easier than talking it out with someone because only you know what your thinking inside your head, and to others they only know half what your thinking and giving their advice that isn't so helpful sometimes. It takes me a long time and a while to sleep and think things through, which I am not sure of.

Here is how things goes. Sometimes having making a wish for your birthday waiting an adult life to live independently like everyone else isn't the way I imagine things would be. Being a teenager mother, having a child, and a family. First of all, my family side isn't supportive to me, just throw me out and told me to be independently. How am I gonna do that without anyone supporting me by my side? My best friend is gone and she won't be here until a long while. What am I gonna do from here? Starting to live with his parents' sometimes arrogrative me, just because I married to him and love him, I'm going to give face, but not sure how long but won't be long.

Second thing, GOD I HAVE MARRIED A MONSTER! Things doesn't seem to be the same as before how we dated before getting married and all this stuff. I remember the first day I been with him and I won't forget it. Also, the valentine day that made me cried so much that it was memoriable even through today. Even, he is willing to stay outside the cold and wanted me to give him another chance. That day, it hurt me that I didn't give him a chance and he waited out the cold winter night. It was my fault, even I feel guilty. Is not I don't want to, is he can do better than that as I told him many time. He fought so much for the baby saying it is. Making me feel like " wow what a guy, I want that person in my life". But now WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED FROM THAT??!?!?!? Days has pass by and I sometimes don't feel like he remember he is the same person back then. He used to remind me back then where is the same shammy I used to know. That hit me in the head that I was doing something wrong and going back to my own self and recognize it. But will he realize or recognize or anything like that? Isn't that a long comeback for him? Well maybe is me and the pregnant talk or I just don't have a clue where everything is no more. I am so tired of getting yelled at the love ones. I am so tired that my father won't accept me as how I am today, that's why I'm scared to talk to him. There is no one to talk to about these things, which makes me so lonely. I must be crazy writing at this time and blogging this up online when I am half awake and very sleepy at the moment, but I can't go to sleep somehow. My heart feel so hurt and it is upsetting and angry at the same time. Sometimes I look at the wedding ring that he proposed to me. I remember that day and I will never forget it. It was shocking too. I remember he brought it a few days before he proposed to me because I felt something hard in his favorite winter black jacket. So, I reached my hand and grab it. I saw the box, I opened it, I was like first in my head " DAMN!! HE IS GOING PROPOSED TO ME!!" I went to my room, I cried, I was happy and shocked that there were a frog in my throat is like you can't imagine how the excitment that is. Then later on, he called from his working place and told me to come down at his place. That time I knew what will happen so, I lied and joked that I was busy and can't come down that it was too dark. Instead I knew what he was planning that just wanna him to come down and say it for himself. LOL IM EVIL! BUT ITS WORTH IT! HAR HAR HAR AND A HA HA HA TO YOU! ^-^!! When he came down, he has in his hand with 1 dozen roses in his hand and other he lay out a proposing box which proposing to me of coz ! LOL ! He was so embarassed and cute at the same time, his words was so mess up and I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. I remember he kept saying" UMM UMM UMMM". Lower and lower his voice went. Awww, I accept the roses and I said Ill think about it. Stupid me saying I will thinking about me. Why can't I say yes!! I remember why. Because I didn't want get hurt and I don't how things will be! Sighh.... it all seems like it happen yesterday I remember. But, now I let him play maplestory. He might forgot he married me. It used to be every morning he would make me something to eat. Now he won't even wake me up and tell me to eat something or make me something. When I wake up now, he wont say nothing. He won't say anything romantic anymore. Just these days, if he is hunting dark tokens for the events, if I bother him which is think then he would yell at me " Don't bother me or distract me". Which hurts me a lot and I cried because its selfish that you care more of your game than me as your wife. Just like last night asking him to pour me something to drink because I have pain in the you know where spot and I couldn't move much and he poured for me and yelled at me " why can't you do it yourself?". Wow that kind of attitude I have gonna it for days from it. I don't know if I can handle another one. I cried next to him but he didnt notice. When he fallen asleep, he didn't say nothing or goodnight to me or anything. I cried all day. I was like " wow is this wife forgotten or never there ?" As I'm writing this a lot going through my head and it hurts. He will never know.... and I won't say anything. All I have to write this morning. I think I'm going fall asleep in this laptop to rest my eyes a bit. Sigh......

Shammy Zhen Fung